Update me please?

Currently...

My life has been great these past days... Even with some heart breaking inside. Not because of me or about me... I just have been thinking a lot about my family. There is so much going on and I cant be there to comfort and love them. I would love to tell you all about it all, but its sticking in the family box. But it hurts to think about it all. I wish more then anything I could be there. Lately I have been talking to Amber and I am so glad that were talking again. She is my sister through my heart. We kinda got into a argument a few months back and I shut my self completely from her, and It was killing me not wanting to talk to her. I didnt have anyone to talk to and tell my deep secrets to like I normally do. But now I have her back in my life and I am so thankful. We talked an hour in the morning and then at night time we talked another hour, then we talked for a couple hours on facebook IM. It was great. Its so good to have her back in my life!

Lately i've realized how many people I have shut out of my life completely. The people who hurt me and the people who would tell me how to run my life. I had to leave the one place I love because it was hurting me.. But im thinking lately how everyone is so close and how their doing so good and im not apart of that. I wanna be apart of that and them but I cant be to their standard.. Im not good enough for them, I know im not.. I cant be like them. Im not strong enough or I cant give up my greediness. I dont know whats wrong with me. Im going back to what I grew up to. I just miss all my friends. I miss being apart of their life. I miss going on trips. I miss spending every sunday night with people I love. Its so frustrating to me. I wish I could get it all together. I miss being best friends with Selena, Shiloh, Chasko, and Jessie. I miss being us five all the time. But we all moved on to better and bigger things.. or for me.. to lower non christian things. I really feel like im not good enough for them.. like I feel awkward anymore... Im trying to be their friend, but I cant open up to them without feeling so low about who I am.

My JOB! I love it! I love working for arbys! Its getting easier everyday! I love the people I work with. Except for one. But I think we all have that one person we cant get a long with. I have one of them people at my work. I get frustrated with her every second, but I pretend im not, and just do my bestest around her, because honestly I dont feel like having her be a biatchh to me. She does my job for me like I dont know what im doing so she looks good and i look bad. I try and help her but im not fast enough for her. well Im sorry i havent worked there for 5 years like her. Today she was like get the chicken and my reply back was strong and i know what im doing voice and i said "already got in there a few minutues ago,thanks though." :) yepp I love my job!!!
I am looking for another job so I can work nights, weekends and even midnight shifts! I really need another job so I can pay bills and help phill and han out more with bills. Im excited to get another job!!! I LOVE WORKING!!!! :D

I am buying a car as well! I have the money too! woohoo!
Im probably buying Brenitas car from her!!

a lot is going on... but this is all im gonna say. :)


have a wonderful nighttt or day!

<3

just a video!

siccckk.

This morning I woke up sick. I feel like poop. I woke up throwing up. It all started last night. The night before I didn't get much sleep, I was nervous for my first day at work I only got 3 hours of sleep. So of course all day im going to be really tired but I really wasnt. I was cranky all day and very emotional. We (phill, his friend paxton, amanda, han, and their friends) went to Buffalo Wild Wings and we go there like every week pretty much and I never get sick. I normally order like 12 wings but last night I didnt feel like eating, and then I did. I only ate 4 wings, and I kept falling asleep at the table, so I went to the van and then my tummy started to hurt really bad. Phill and Paxton finally got in the van and we left, we got back to apartment and I couldnt walk up the stairs anymore it was hurting my tummy so bad. I was sitting on the toilet for a while and then I felt kinda better after that. So this morning I woke up and Im swoled up and my fingers are fat and I started to feel like throwing up, then I almost did so I ran to the bathroom and I threw up and couldnt stop. Now I feel really sick. :( My face is swollen up! ughh! I feel crappy right now!



someone please shoot me.



other then all that sickness.
I love my work. They are so friendly and Im excited to work more! I work this monday for some training and stuff. :D

please dont leave me

My two brothers<3
I miss them both so much! They both are growing up so fast. One of them are married now (the one in blue). He is younger then me and he has a baby on the way. It makes me so sad that we haven't been with each other our whole lives. When I was a little girl I remember me screaming "I HATE THEM AND I WILL FOREVER!" and I also remember my dad saying "you dont hate them! You're going to love them when you're all older. Now stop it!"

That is so true. Now that I am a lot older I see everything so different. They are brothers<3 Matthew Lee Holdorf (right) and Johnathan Charles Davis (left). The best brothers in the world. I love them so much! I dont know what I would do without them! I am the only sister they have too! That is the greatest feeling in the world.

It hurts me a lot that I didnt get to see my little brother get married. It hurts me that im not always there for them. My own brother Matthew cant even tell me he loves me. I dont think he really know what love means. Hes surrounded by anger and negativity. Johnny tells me he loves me and he means it. These two are my heros. I seriously dont know where I would be without them. I love you Johnny and Mattchew.

<3 remember im always here. im a phone call away.

THANKGOODNESS.

bethanie lyn holdorf GOT A JOB!
i am now working at arbys! :)

i am so thankful. i've been trying really hard to get a job. and now i got one. woo hoo!
also i got a ipod today! its very cool. i am in love with it. its yellow and cute.

i am in love with my boyfriend <3

end of story.

life at the moment.

Tonight I went to Metro South Church to see the Good Friday Service. It was very interesting! It made me think about my life. It made me think about how things used to be when I was going two years ago. I dont like the fact that im graduated, because now I can't go to ALIVE. I think that with me graduating and not able to go anymore made me fall behind. I do go to UNITE but I just feel awkward there. I feel like a baby. Im not mature enough or something. Im not even in college. Im pretty much doing nothing with my life. I am however trying really hard to get a job! I've had a interview with arbys and I have another one with them this coming Monday! I hope that I get this job! I have been applying everywhere! Michigan sucks!

The other morning, Phill finally told me that he is in love with me! <3 It was the best thing I've heard in a long time! I have always had strong feelings for him, even when we broke up. I always and no matter what cared about him. I knew there was something between him and I and he finally seen that. I just adore him so much! <3 He is such a blessing to me and my life. I don't know what I would do without him again. I hope and pray that we stick together for a long time, rather yet the rest of our lives. He is truly amazing. I love him so much. And its not just a love, its a IN love statement. I do live with him too, and that is so awesome. I am thankful for such a great place to live and be myself. I love my life with him. Even though we fight, hes still my favorite person in the whole wide world. <3
i love youuuuu phillip paul johnson<3333

Other then the Metro, Job, and Phill situations! I have been kinda depressed in my head but not enough to show, or maybe im just strong enough to not show when im around people, even phill. My great Grandma Flick only has a few days left, and that just makes me so sad. That woman is so beautiful, and has such a beautiful heart. I can just hear her voice in my head right now and it brings warmness to my heart. She always had a heart for her family. She is such a babe! I am very thankful to have her in my life, and be so kind and generous and loving!

Ohhhh!!! I need a car/truck/van really bad! I just need one so bad so I can get a job and drive back and forth! I am going to walk and ride my bike for now! But I just really wish I had one so I can drive my friends to where ever they need to go when they dont have rides, because I understand how it feels when no one will drive you or you dont have a car. I also one want so I can visit my family, and do things that deal with driving. such as like carpooling and stuff. I just want to use my vechicle as a gift from God and help others and my future and now situations! I have doctors in Ann Arbor and there is no way I can make it to them because I have nothing to drive or friends that are willing to drive me all the way out there and spend all day there with me. No one has patiences for that.
So I really need a car and im trying to get a job to save money for it!

Blahhh! Ive wrote so much! but thats my life that I can think of for now.
:)


thanks for reading if you did.
<3