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I dont think I'll ever be the same after these past few months. I have changed so much. Ever since this guy and I broke up a lot of things are different. I used to be this negative, unhappy girl for no reason. Honestly it took him to break up with me to see all these things about me that I never seen but others did. Because I seen these things that werent good for me and how I treated other people I wanted to change. I like the way I am now.I told myself to always stay positive and dont let things bring me down there things will get better no matter what. I have a lot more friends then I have ever had. I had to push my self to be more outgoing and make new friends because the friends I had before didnt like how I treated them, and after him and I broke up his friends dont like me anymore... Well some of them do but some treat me like shit. And I am so sorry for the way I acted around them. I miss a lot them so much. But things will never ever be the same way. I wish that I could take back all the things I said to some people. But thats not really the point... I have changed because the first person I was in love with showed me I need some growing up to do. And honestly it has knocked me on my butt. I am out in this huge world learning all the "adult" things and its so hard, I really dont know how people deal with it all. Its ridiculous. I had someone taking care of me and I was so blind that I couldnt see his struggles and I took advantage of them. I am out on my own now and deciding for myself and working hard so I can survive. I never thought this would be so hard. I am thankful for this person even though sometimes I get upset with him that he pushed me to be who I am now. It wasnt just a boy girl together then break up and move on with your life thing. He really showed me who I am today. He has a part in my life that I will never forget, and even though Its hard to forget sometimes I just think of the good and hurry and think about other things.

Basically this blog is to show that someone showed me who I am today and I am so thankful for that. I am learning what its like to be someone and an adult. I am struggling so bad right now paying bills, and my car is broke down and thats just extra money. I am moving back to Clare county or Midland county now. I cant afford to live down where I am. I just wish I had an awesome good paying job and was going to school. But that takes time. Everything takes time.

I also learned today that when you rush things it doesnt always come out the way you want, but if you take your time and wait for things it comes out in better results.

blahhh. this was gayyyyy.
but im a grown up now.

and i havent blogged in a long while, and reading back on my old blogs it made me think a little.
yupp im lame. okay bye!

taking a poopy.

I cant stop crying. 

All I do is cry. 

-Im moving this week to Midland. 

I cant live down here anymore. 

Not right now. 

Not with some people I live with now. 

My boyfriend doesnt understand me. 

He just thinks all I do is complain and whine

when im trying to tell him how I feel. 

I feel so stuck and like I cant do anything

without a comment being said about me. 

I dont have any friends really. 

The ones I thought I had walked out on me. 

I wasnt trying to tell them about me, or talk to them about my problems. 

I just wanted to talk to them about me moving and how I couldnt live with them because

of many reasons, nothing to do with them, just other things. 

I dont have anyone to talk to cause my boyfriend wont listen, and none of my friends make time for me. 

Everyone gets mad at me for posting stuff so I just keep bottled up. 

I need friends. 

I need someone to show they love me. 

Im done pooping now. 

so more later maybe. 

Update me please?

Currently...

My life has been great these past days... Even with some heart breaking inside. Not because of me or about me... I just have been thinking a lot about my family. There is so much going on and I cant be there to comfort and love them. I would love to tell you all about it all, but its sticking in the family box. But it hurts to think about it all. I wish more then anything I could be there. Lately I have been talking to Amber and I am so glad that were talking again. She is my sister through my heart. We kinda got into a argument a few months back and I shut my self completely from her, and It was killing me not wanting to talk to her. I didnt have anyone to talk to and tell my deep secrets to like I normally do. But now I have her back in my life and I am so thankful. We talked an hour in the morning and then at night time we talked another hour, then we talked for a couple hours on facebook IM. It was great. Its so good to have her back in my life!

Lately i've realized how many people I have shut out of my life completely. The people who hurt me and the people who would tell me how to run my life. I had to leave the one place I love because it was hurting me.. But im thinking lately how everyone is so close and how their doing so good and im not apart of that. I wanna be apart of that and them but I cant be to their standard.. Im not good enough for them, I know im not.. I cant be like them. Im not strong enough or I cant give up my greediness. I dont know whats wrong with me. Im going back to what I grew up to. I just miss all my friends. I miss being apart of their life. I miss going on trips. I miss spending every sunday night with people I love. Its so frustrating to me. I wish I could get it all together. I miss being best friends with Selena, Shiloh, Chasko, and Jessie. I miss being us five all the time. But we all moved on to better and bigger things.. or for me.. to lower non christian things. I really feel like im not good enough for them.. like I feel awkward anymore... Im trying to be their friend, but I cant open up to them without feeling so low about who I am.

My JOB! I love it! I love working for arbys! Its getting easier everyday! I love the people I work with. Except for one. But I think we all have that one person we cant get a long with. I have one of them people at my work. I get frustrated with her every second, but I pretend im not, and just do my bestest around her, because honestly I dont feel like having her be a biatchh to me. She does my job for me like I dont know what im doing so she looks good and i look bad. I try and help her but im not fast enough for her. well Im sorry i havent worked there for 5 years like her. Today she was like get the chicken and my reply back was strong and i know what im doing voice and i said "already got in there a few minutues ago,thanks though." :) yepp I love my job!!!
I am looking for another job so I can work nights, weekends and even midnight shifts! I really need another job so I can pay bills and help phill and han out more with bills. Im excited to get another job!!! I LOVE WORKING!!!! :D

I am buying a car as well! I have the money too! woohoo!
Im probably buying Brenitas car from her!!

a lot is going on... but this is all im gonna say. :)


have a wonderful nighttt or day!

<3

just a video!

siccckk.

This morning I woke up sick. I feel like poop. I woke up throwing up. It all started last night. The night before I didn't get much sleep, I was nervous for my first day at work I only got 3 hours of sleep. So of course all day im going to be really tired but I really wasnt. I was cranky all day and very emotional. We (phill, his friend paxton, amanda, han, and their friends) went to Buffalo Wild Wings and we go there like every week pretty much and I never get sick. I normally order like 12 wings but last night I didnt feel like eating, and then I did. I only ate 4 wings, and I kept falling asleep at the table, so I went to the van and then my tummy started to hurt really bad. Phill and Paxton finally got in the van and we left, we got back to apartment and I couldnt walk up the stairs anymore it was hurting my tummy so bad. I was sitting on the toilet for a while and then I felt kinda better after that. So this morning I woke up and Im swoled up and my fingers are fat and I started to feel like throwing up, then I almost did so I ran to the bathroom and I threw up and couldnt stop. Now I feel really sick. :( My face is swollen up! ughh! I feel crappy right now!



someone please shoot me.



other then all that sickness.
I love my work. They are so friendly and Im excited to work more! I work this monday for some training and stuff. :D

please dont leave me

My two brothers<3
I miss them both so much! They both are growing up so fast. One of them are married now (the one in blue). He is younger then me and he has a baby on the way. It makes me so sad that we haven't been with each other our whole lives. When I was a little girl I remember me screaming "I HATE THEM AND I WILL FOREVER!" and I also remember my dad saying "you dont hate them! You're going to love them when you're all older. Now stop it!"

That is so true. Now that I am a lot older I see everything so different. They are brothers<3 Matthew Lee Holdorf (right) and Johnathan Charles Davis (left). The best brothers in the world. I love them so much! I dont know what I would do without them! I am the only sister they have too! That is the greatest feeling in the world.

It hurts me a lot that I didnt get to see my little brother get married. It hurts me that im not always there for them. My own brother Matthew cant even tell me he loves me. I dont think he really know what love means. Hes surrounded by anger and negativity. Johnny tells me he loves me and he means it. These two are my heros. I seriously dont know where I would be without them. I love you Johnny and Mattchew.

<3 remember im always here. im a phone call away.

THANKGOODNESS.

bethanie lyn holdorf GOT A JOB!
i am now working at arbys! :)

i am so thankful. i've been trying really hard to get a job. and now i got one. woo hoo!
also i got a ipod today! its very cool. i am in love with it. its yellow and cute.

i am in love with my boyfriend <3

end of story.